self love · Self-help

How to stop that nasty self-doubt

Look at me, all new and upgraded right in time for New Year’s Eve. If you’re reading this I hope you’ve had a great 2015 and I hope you have an amazing 2016.

What is Self- Doubt? Do you have it? Is it dangerous? So technically, self doubt means lack of confidence in oneself and/or one’s abilities. Everyone on this planet has crossed paths with self -doubt at least more than once. And yes, it is dangerous. The reason I keep pushing on talking about this topic-be it with myself (which is mostly the case) or any of my friends, is because I’ve been on the dark side of self doubt and now I’d like to think that I’m free of that burdening and crippling anxiety of not being good enough, ever.

We all have that point in our lives- be it the early, awkward teenage years or during a relationship, or God forbid, our life in its entirety . We carry around this numb, dull thought in your head that goes- “What makes you think you’re special?” and its unpopular, disliked cousin- “You’re a loser.” Most of us know what this feels like, and if you’re one of those that don’t, then well kudos to you! But if you’re battling with yourself, here are somethings that helped me win my war-

1.Talk to someone you love and trust

Self-doubt has a way of creeping under your skin and becoming one with you. It can be so toxic and so destroying to dislike yourself so intently, that you start believing that every person around you is better than you. No one told me to buckle up and love myself. No one came around and told me-“Hey, you’re frigging great, why the hell do you put yourself down?” I blame myself for that because of my inability to talk about anything that makes me even 0.00001% uncomfortable. Maybe if I talked to someone I really trusted, they’d reassure me otherwise.  Although it took me a lot of courage to talk about it, I did, and voila, it did definitely make me feel better. So go on talk to someone- it can be your mother ( I talked to mine), it can be a friend, it can be your sibling, or it can be a page in your diary. (Books have that inherent ability to listen to you and be there for you when no one else is, so go on.)

2. Learn to love- be it you or others.

Okay so here’s what I think. I sincerely believe that if you start looking for the little things in people that make them a good person, you’ll start appreciating the little things in you that make you a good person. This tiny tip has helped me change so much as a person. Being kind, non- judgemental and accepting of other people around you will make you kind, non-judgemental and accepting of yourself. When you appreciate the fact that your friend gets your order without complaining, you’ll appreciate that you listen to her rant anytime of any day. I know this is so hyped and talked about, but self-love is indeed as important as loving your friend or your boyfriend/girlfriend, maybe even more. Unless you are a complete one, how do you expect to be a dynamic two or a tangy three with anyone? Love yourself completely and unabashedly, and tell yourself that you’re a goddamn queen everyday. (If you’re a guy, you can still be a goddamn queen, cause lets face it, being a queen has quite a ring to it.) Love the way you look, the way you dance, the way you walk, the way your body is exactly the way the Universe wanted it to be. Take baby steps everyday and tell yourself that you’re a good person and then go ahead and be a good person.

3. Forgive Yourself 

The most common thing anyone ever does after they make a mistake is- “How could you? How could you be so stupid?” followed by “You’re goddamn useless, you can’t do anything right” followed by “You should be ashamed.” and then, if you’re really upset- “This is why no one likes you.”. The solution to this is to nip the problem at the bud i.e. stop the cycle before it starts. When you make a mistake, breathe. Breathe and remind yourself that you’re human, and to be human is to err. It could have been something seemingly easy and insignificant like drawing a straight line for your project, and you’ve been trying to draw that damn line for over 20 minutes now, and you still can’t seem to do it. Then comes the -“How can you be so useless? It’s just a line, for God’s sakes.” This is where you need to stop close your eyes and breathe and say something witty to yourself, tell yourself that its okay if you can’t draw a line, you didn’t want to be a line drawing expert anyway cause that job doesn’t pay much and try again. Yes, okay, you screwed up, but what you should focus your energy on now is on how you can rectify your mistake. No point if you sit and cry about a line who doesn’t feel the same way about you, is there?

4. Stop with the comparisons.

Now, one of the biggest problems I’ve faced is accepting my body the way it is. I have quite an odd bone structure for a girl and it took me years, yes, years to be okay with it.  Every time I saw a girl with a mildly different body structure, I would proclaim my body as invalid or unattractive or not normal. Stop doing that, seriously. Like if x (like in algebra) can have a infinite number of values, why can’t the human body or the human mind have infinite forms it can exist in? Society has always told us- THIS is the body you need to have, THIS is how you need to think, THIS is how you should behave, and we’ve always complied irrespective of whether we believed in the same or not.  Be the way you are, no matter how wrong it may seem to others ( unless you’re into the really weird, creepy stuff that no human should ever delve into, cause then STOP). Don’t like Nutella? Cool, that’s okay. Don’t believe in a God? Cool. Go to church everyday? Good. Still a virgin and intend to stay one till you get married? Good for you. Don’t believe in the social construct built around virginity? Your call. Don’t like dogs? Uh, yeah, that’s slightly….odd, but whatever floats your boat. Stop comparing yourself with everyone. Everyone else is just like you, they have 10,000 issues they have to deal with, and they’re all dealing with it silently just like you are. What makes you is not how much better you are than others, what makes you is how much better you are from that annoying pre-teen version of yourself. (C’mon, we all were annoying pre-teens who loved Zach and Cody and thought they were “hot”)

I hope you wake up everyday this year and do a little dance and shake your bum to your favourite song and blow yourself a kiss, cause we all need a little bit of love and happiness and who better to give that to you than your amazing, beautiful self.

Let me know what your thoughts are and what you did this New Year’s Eve!

-Arya

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6 thoughts on “How to stop that nasty self-doubt

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